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Summary Judgment
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by Matt Cameron
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That Intestinal Flu That's Been Going
Around:
If you're into gastrointestinal disorders
of any kind (and I know that I am), you've
probably heard about this one by now. Let
me be the first to say it: everything
you've heard is true. Despite a weak start
and an extremely unfulfilling denouement,
it's a great way to get your mind off
of things. Just be prepared to miss a few
days of class and do all of your studying
within comfortable distance of a
discreetly located bathroom.
B+
The Disembodied Voice of the Newark
City Subway:
I always had a thing for Majel Barrett,
the actress who provided the disembodied
voice of the Starship Enterprise. Call me
what you will, but there's something about
the casual urgency in her delivery of
lines like "Self-destruct in thirty
seconds" and "Sector scan complete" that
really turns me on. Mmm. Anyway, the
Newark city subway has the same effect
sometimes, if you're in the right mood.
After a long day of reading, it's great
some nights just to kick back and give yourself over
to classic come-ons like "Please stand clear of the closing doors!" and
"Now entering. Norfolk Street." The seduction was complete, however, when
I was recently treated to twelve minutes of late-night existential misery:
"We apologize for the inconvenience. We apologize for the inconvenience.
We apologize for the inconvenience." I know that's what it says to all the
guys, but still. A man can dream. A-
Ralph's Pepperoni Pizza:
Been to confession recently, Ralph? I had the passing sensation of cold,
congealed mortal sin in your travesty against all things pizza today, and
I'm not even Catholic. But it's nothing personal.love the sinner, hate the
sin, right? Reversed and remanded for new pizza. D+
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Last modified February 7, 2003. |
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